Have you ever....

seen someone at the grocery store and just felt absolute lust over them?


yeah. That happened.

My son is one of the most important people in my life. He teaches me things on a daily, constant basis. Things I would not have ever thought of. Things like about liquid nitrogen.

He is my sun, my star. My life. I love him to bits.

Well, I suppose I will blogging here more often, since Livejournal seems to be in the shitter.

Crap. I have had that journal longer than I've been married (by two months!)

:(

ok... breathe......

Its some rough times around here. I am trying not to become overwhelmed by things, but when people around me are in such negative attitude space, it is hard.

I am trying the best I can to help with things. and i feel completely inaquedate and not good.

Jackson wears me down to the core. Steven is grumpy all the time. He is very unhappy in his life, in general. He feels trapped by me, and especailly by jackson.... and he makes no qualms in making that known. and i just fear that jackson is going to get the feeling that he isnt wanted... and I dont want that.

I am so exhausted by the end of the day, that I dont want to do anything but cry.

*cry*

I'm feeling pretty invisible and lonely, lately.

Crying does nothing good for my complexion.

My son.

My heart aches. It is so heavy for my son. Knowing my son will struggle daily with life. He does not know how to self regulate. I constantly have to be aware of that. He can not be a "normal" child. It simply is not possible.

My son has Asperger's Syndrome. What is Asperger's Syndrome? It is a high functioning autism. He is extremely smart. too smart, really. I mean, this kid is 8 and doing algebra already. He can read Harry Potter books on his own. The summer between kindergarten and 1st grade, he picked up charlie and the chocolate factory and read it all on his own. So he is academically smart.

but socially, he is so far behind. and it breaks my heart. It breaks it into a million pieces.

Most people dont see how difficult our day to day life is. The tantrums. the constant resistance. Out in public, I get stares from people, who see this big kid ( he could easily pass for 10 or 11 yrs old) throwing a hissy fit. and often they will think he is spoiled or rotten, when he is anything but. He is my baby, I want the world for him. I want him to be sucessful and happy.

He gets so frustrated about having Asperger's, himself. He has on occasion asked me why him, why does he have it, why cant he be "normal"? and that just breaks my heart.


I just want to help him.

No one ever reads this blog. This I know. and I am fine with it, actually.

Not a whole lot of people even know it exists, and yet is is "out" there. for anyone to find it.

To dissect it. To relate to it.

and I am a ok with that.